I think a lot of this boils down to 2 things:

1) You're a woman, and a lot of people won't tolerate the qualities that you see as negative in yourself in a woman (while they'll see them as positive in a man)

2) You've bought into that, to the extent that you tell this as your story to yourself and us. But there are tons of other stories you could tell out of your experience.

To give you an example, I once worked at a company where I had an idea of how we could do things better, and put a couple of weeks into developing a prototype. We landed a huge contract, and, rather than try to build the new product with our old codebase, I was asked to make the code production ready, and roll out our biggest, most capable version ever, with loads of new features--in 16 weeks. And I did it--on time, and with no more bugs than we would have in a normal-sized product built with the old codebase. And future versions could be built at twice the speed of the old and were more maintainable.

A couple of years later, the underlying tech stack was nearing obsolescence, and we were due a new rewrite. I was constantly promised to lead the new rewrite. Meanwhile, a new guy was hired in and given a simple task, which he spent a lot of time on and never finished. My boss was still promising me leadership of the new effort, right up to the moment he announced he was giving it to the new guy.

When I tell people about this incident, I don't tell them about how my boss kicked me in the teeth--I tell them about how I was given an impossible task and how I loved every minute of solving that challenge. Then I tell them briefly that there was another rewrite to do that was started badly, and I took it over and successfully got that into shape to churn out new products and how awesome it was to train up a team of young people fresh out of college until one of them could replace me.

Because _those_ are the details that define me as a person and that's what I choose to focus on in that story.

I would be willing to bet that for every story where you look back and think you were too abrasive, disagreeable, or what have you, you'll find that also there's a story where you excelled in some way. And, honestly, a lot of the times I've been seen as disagreeable I was just refusing to be a doormat and people didn't like it. Screw em.